Half-Reviewing The Nightmare Nanny

I was inspired to review The Nightmare Nanny in honor of my favorite new blog, Musings on Half-Watched Lifetime Movies. MoHWLM recaps/reviews hilariously awful Lifetime movies until they become too boring to finish. Brilliant, right?

I half-watched The Nightmare Nanny a few weeks ago. It’s a standard evil babysitter movie so naturally it opens with a flashback: A young expectant couple is driving along a deserted highway in the middle of the night. They’re all aglow until – BAM – a gruesome car accident puts an end to their nuclear family dreams.

Flash forward to a few years later and we’re meeting another family — a pair of hyper-yuppies with a precocious little girl.

Things aren’t going so well at the office for dad, so stay-at-home Yuppie Mom is contemplating a return to work.

Yuppie Mom is our protagonist. We, the viewers, are expected to relate to a 100-pound woman who:

  • lives in a house that looks like this:

  • is grappling with whether or not to return to work at a high-profile, high-salaried job where she is appreciated and valued
  • complains about having to spend a day interviewing private nannies, then makes a frustrated bitchface the entire time

Enter the eponymous Nightmare Nanny. NN is (natch) the girl from the flashback and (guess what??) she’s a psychopath!

In summary, Yuppie Mom = protagonist, Nightmare Nanny = villain.

This would all make sense except for the fact that Nightmare Nanny is kind of totally awesome. She’s patient, warm, and makes delicious home-cooked meals. Unlike Yuppie Mom, she smiles a lot and actually seems to enjoy playing games and doing kid stuff. Even Yuppie Dad thinks she’s great.

Sure, she has a tendency to freak out a little (cue creepy string part)...

But she has lasagna on the table when you get home. How bad can she be?

I fell asleep somewhere around the part where NN kidnaps the precocious little girl. An online recap confirmed that the ending follows the standard evil babysitter plotline: Yuppie Mom figures the whole thing out after meeting with some useless cops. Then NN goes on the lam with the daughter in tow, a chase ensures, there’s a tearful confrontation, and yadda yadda yadda… NN commits suicide and the yuppie family reunites.

I’m liking this half-watching thing. It’s like taking just one bite out of a stack of pancakes. Do you really need any more than that?

Other Notes: I absolutely could not believe that this was a new Lifetime movie. I STILL can’t believe it. Everything (well, except the cell phones and stuff) is 80-90s Lifetime, right down to the lead’s horrible pixie cut and power corporate job. I know I always say LMs look out-of-date because they’re produced in Canada (the wayback machine for clothing and hair trends), but this one left me speechless. A pixie cut! Dear god.

10 comments
  1. Oh man! I didn’t even see this til just now. I’m blushing. :)

    Half-watching is the way to go- glad you’ve come to see the light. Also, yes. The production details are always a little behind, which again reminds me of my dream of creating a tumblr of Fake Websites from Lifetime Movies. The Myspace-esque social networking sites are my favorites.

    • Please please PLEASE make that Tumblr! You can even include all the made up social media sites from Degrassi (FACERANGE!)

  2. Sometimes I’m glad I don’t have cable! Thanks for reminding me I’m not missing much on the networks!

  3. zorbitor said:

    The way everyone ignored the suiciding nanny and ran to bask in the mother daughter reunion was priceless!!!

    • Yeah, it’s kinda like when Lex Luger celebrated his count-out victory over Yokozuna at WWF SummerSlam 1993 with balloons, confetti, and all that “America Fuck Yeah” jazz, without even realising “Aw, I didn’t win the world title!”

      • Come to think of it, Lifetime is pretty much like Cannon Films.

        Also, you can hear the paint dry in this movie, because Kip Pardue is the most boring man in the history of boring. His movies couldn’t fill an entire cinema even if you gave away free beer and free tickets.

  4. Shirley acuff said:

    Some of the worst acting ( and writing) on TV. Ever. That’s an extraordinary accomplishment!

    • josh said:

      Dude the acting was actually Eccellent, this was one of the best lifetime movies in Years!

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