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Monthly Archives: November 2014

“Why not,” I asked myself, standing in a gas station. Now I am seated at my desk, indoors, vaping away; my mind races from the droplets of nicotine mist percolating in my alveoli. Am I experiencing the sensation of modernity? Let’s defrag this a little.

“Hey can I bum your laptop to charge my electronic cigarette?”

“Algorithms”

“The VUSE Digital Vapor Cigarette contains a Vapor Delivery Processor that uses algorithms in the same way a computer does, therefore we refer to it as ‘digital’.” Of course algorithms! I hated simple exothermic reactions anyway. Are menthol algorithms different? Will less-complex algorithms be used in “light” e-cigarettes? Is it possible to hack into an e-cig and get it to generate bitcoins with every drag?

See, when I want a cigarette it’s usually because I’m trying to avoid algorithms.

0s and 1s may increase your risk of brain cancer

“Great tasting vapor experience”

This is true if you consider huffing the dust at the bottom of a box of Lucky Charms to be a great tasting experience of any kind. It’s like there are cereal marshmallows stinging your lungs. Those are my complete tasting notes.

These marshmallows were sorted using an algorithm

Indoors vs. Outdoors

Let’s be honest: what’s the point of smoking a cigarette if you’re not going to freeze in the cold and come back smelling disgusting? And even if all you do is release quickly-dissipating puffs of breakfast cereal smell, people are still going to look at you like a criminal for vaping at your desk. It just happened to me.

Yeah?

Ergonomics

I just weighed my VUSE and it weighs 16.02 grams. I’d estimate a real cigarette to weigh about one gram. If you try to hold your e-cigarette in a jaunty, care-free manner, its burdensome weight makes the unit hang limply between your digits. In this way, the VUSE e-cig is not digital.

Overall, this is nothing like smoking an actual cigarette– for better and worse. Cereal does have a nice taste, and those little marshmallows are probably carcinogenic anyway.

BONUS IDEA: throw some Lucky Charms in a humidifier and create the World’s worst hookah.

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