“Why not,” I asked myself, standing in a gas station. Now I am seated at my desk, indoors, vaping away; my mind races from the droplets of nicotine mist percolating in my alveoli. Am I experiencing the sensation of modernity? Let’s defrag this a little.

“Algorithms”

“The VUSE Digital Vapor Cigarette contains a Vapor Delivery Processor that uses algorithms in the same way a computer does, therefore we refer to it as ‘digital’.” Of course algorithms! I hated simple exothermic reactions anyway. Are menthol algorithms different? Will less-complex algorithms be used in “light” e-cigarettes? Is it possible to hack into an e-cig and get it to generate bitcoins with every drag?

See, when I want a cigarette it’s usually because I’m trying to avoid algorithms.

“Great tasting vapor experience”

This is true if you consider huffing the dust at the bottom of a box of Lucky Charms to be a great tasting experience of any kind. It’s like there are cereal marshmallows stinging your lungs. Those are my complete tasting notes.

Indoors vs. Outdoors

Let’s be honest: what’s the point of smoking a cigarette if you’re not going to freeze in the cold and come back smelling disgusting? And even if all you do is release quickly-dissipating puffs of breakfast cereal smell, people are still going to look at you like a criminal for vaping at your desk. It just happened to me.

Ergonomics

I just weighed my VUSE and it weighs 16.02 grams. I’d estimate a real cigarette to weigh about one gram. If you try to hold your e-cigarette in a jaunty, care-free manner, its burdensome weight makes the unit hang limply between your digits. In this way, the VUSE e-cig is not digital.

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Overall, this is nothing like smoking an actual cigarette– for better and worse. Cereal does have a nice taste, and those little marshmallows are probably carcinogenic anyway.

BONUS IDEA: throw some Lucky Charms in a humidifier and create the World’s worst hookah.