Sorry Can’t Make It Unhappen: The Party Never Stops

Even though we normally sleep a bit later on the weekends, some things are just worth getting out of bed for.

Case in point: Mr. Max rightfully woke me up on Saturday to catch The Party Never Stops: Diary of a Binge Drinker, a Lifetime movie about the dangers of college binge drinking.

The trailer sums of the hysteria pretty well:

Sara Paxton stars as Jesse, a college freshman who bears a striking resemblance to a Bratz doll.

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Jesse’s neurotic mom is played by Nancy Travis, who regular Lifetime viewers will recognize as the neurotic mom from The Pregnancy Pact.

Just looking at her makes me worry that I forgot to send a card on Mother’s Day.

The first kid in the family to attend college, Jesse is excited to experience all that dorm life has to offer. When Jesse doesn’t return phone calls or texts within the hour, neurotic mom concludes that her daughter must be engaged in life-ruining depravity.

And boy is she right. Jesse joins up with a crowd of partyin’ college girls and starts hitting the jello shots —  hard. Soon she’s waking up next to random dudes, failing her classes, and blowing the big track tryout.

Yes, neurotic mothers, it’s exactly as you suspected: constant phone calls, emails, texts, and surprise visits are the only things that stand between your child and a life of risky casual sex, substance abuse, and academic failure!

Jesse  tries to change her evil ways but is lured by her friends to a debaucherous spring break trip to San Diego. In full-on drunk girl mode, Jesse stumbles around the beach and joins a group of girls in flashing a video crew.

Naturally, the video goes viral and Jesse has to fess up to neurotic mom. This leads to the best line of dialogue in the movie, and possibly all movies:

Jesse: I’m sorry!

Neurotic mom: Sorry can’t make it unhappen!

Neurotic mom vows to step up her monitoring (promising that she will pull Jesse out of school if she doesn’t answer her cell immediately) and — lo and behold — the approach is a smashing success. Scared straight, Jesse puts down the bottle and starts spending her weekends on mom-approved activities like studying, running track, and sharing lattes with her generic new straight-edge boyfriend.

While Jesse turns over a new leaf, best pal and drinking buddy Shanna  continues to wake up in random frat houses on campus.

Shanna falls victim to the old after school special plot device: alcohol poisoning.

Candles are lit in the quad and a bunch of the extras from the earlier bar scenes stand around looking sad. The film ends with a voiceover where Jesse muses over the lesson she’s learned. It could have been me, she ponders. Fade to black.

Message: Only a comprehensive, technologically advanced parental monitoring plan can prevent college boozing and the resultant PUBLIC INDECENT EXPOSURE THAT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE FOREVER. Also, the tragic death of a friend can prove significant in that it provides an opportunity for personal growth.

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