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In Only Seven Days, otherwise known in our household as the Queen Poconos Song.

We call it that in honor of the commercials for Pocono Mountains tourism that aired endlessly in New York State in the 80s and 90s. There’s something in the melody of In Only Seven Days that reminds me of a jingle from one of those ads. Also, the lyrics are, like, perfect.

There were a lot of these ads, and plenty of them have been ripped off of VHS and uploaded to YouTube. Most of them are for Mount Airy Lodge, a resort hotel.

This is the one I remember best:

 

Points for a clear message. Even as a tot, I understood: The Poconos will get you laid.

Here’s another one that’s a little bit older:

 

Only in the 1980s could you make a television ad using nothing but still images and a zoom effect,

According to their Wikipedia entry, the 1980s were the  beginning of the end for Mount Airy Lodge. Once known as “America’s premier honeymoon hideaway, with floor-to-ceiling mirrors, velvet-swagged canopy beds, and heart-shaped bathtubs,” they experienced a severe downturn when boozy middle-aged couples started going on cruises instead of getting wrinkly in anatomy-shaped jacuzzis. These ads were probably a last-ditch effort to sell the whole resort getaway thing to the yuppie generation.

It didn’t work and, after the property was sold in the 2000s, they demolished what was there and built the new Mount Airy Casino. I checked out their website and it was pretty generic, minus the giant Chippendale’s banner on the front page. Pretty sad.

I guess we’ll always have the commercials.

Have you ever seen that Seinfeld episode where Elaine falls in love at first sight? She dumps her current boyfriend and runs off with the guy, only to discover that he was the spokesman in some old cheesy commercial  — and that her subconscious memory of the COMMERCIAL is what she’s really attracted to.

He was “The Wiz,” and nobody beat him.

I swear I’m going somewhere with this.

After we saw Sunshine Cleaning, Mr. Max and I were tortured by the unshakable feeling that Amy Adams looked like someone we knew.

Look at her. It’s haunting you, isn’t it?

After spending the evening probing our memories, we turned to the collective minds of Internet. Apparently, we weren’t the only ones grappling with the question; numerous theories abound.

Theory #1: Amy Adams looks like Ariel from The Little Mermaid.

This one drew me in at first because it’s 1) weirdly awesome and 2) just the kind of subliminal image people of “my generation” would have buried in their brains.

Amusing, indeed. But ultimately it rang false.

Then Mr. Max hit the nail on the head. I paused when he said it, ready to disagree…

Theory #2: Amy Adams looks like Tonya Harding.

Look in your heart. You know it’s true.

This leads to my very unpopular theory about Natalie Portman.

Full disclosure: Natalie Portman bugs me. Not just because of the Star Wars Prequels (although, that’s a good start). I can’t really explain it. She just does. So I can’t be objective. But I still think I’m right.

See? I bet you had to think for a minute before you realized that both of these pictures were NOT of Natalie Portman (FYI – that’s Winona Ryder in the second shot).

Of course, this probably isn’t anything new. In the 80’s and 90’s basically anyone over 30 couldn’t STAND Christian Slater. I was  5 years old at the time (and therefore unfamiliar with Jack Nicholson’s early career) so I didn’t really get it. But now I realize  how annoying it must have been to watch an actor doing a full-time imitation of another actor.

Now I will blow your mind (if you are between the ages of 25 and 35).

Remember Dave Matthews, the cheery guitarist/singer with the wildly popular jam band? There was a time when you couldn’t go a mile in the summer without hearing one of his songs coming out of a college kid’s beat up sedan.

But regardless of how you feel about the style of the music — which was jam-oriented, and somewhat sentimental — or the overexposure — which was, admittedly, intense — Dave Matthews was (and still is) an impressive guitar player. And a good songwriter with a distinctive style.

This is a safe place. You can admit you agree.

John Mayer.

Let it wash over you: John Mayer is totally a Dave Matthews reboot.

I find it funny that the cool-kid dislike for Dave Matthews in the 90’s was as intense as it was when John Mayer is so, so much worse. It’s a Christian Slater level imitation.

Listen for yourself.

Dave Matthews Band:

Imitation Dave Matthews Band, er, John Mayer:

Now do you believe? Children of the 90’s: we never knew how good we had it. Dave Matthews didn’t have to apologize for racist twitter rants. He didn’t write godawful lyrics about wonderlands of bodies, or whatever the the heck it is. He was just a nice guy traveling the country playing his gentle hippy tunes.

SO PLEASE! AMERICA! I beg of you — when you think fondly on John Mayer, realize that you are just remembering Dave Matthews, that amiable good guitarist with the tight live band and the somewhat sappy lyrics. John Mayer is just a “Wiz.” And he can be beaten.

Disclaimer: I have no actual beef with any real celebrity. I know that their public personas are mostly, if not entirely, crafted by publicists, agents, etc. I’m sure in person they’re probably lovely, or something.